There comes a time and place where certain people deserve a salute. There comes a time and place where we must make a toast to and honor those certain essential characters that exist within our midst. You have presented before you some of the Real Men and Women of Genius that keep our society up and running on the regular. Today, we salute you Mr. or Miss...
a.) Mr. or Miss Semi-Retarded Cock Block Friend:
Mr. or Miss C.B. Friend, you know not what you do. We all love you, and you always have the best of intentions, but when it comes down to those crucial moments in social situations, you completely and utterly lack the understanding and awareness skills that allow you to realize the critical moment of when your physical presence is no longer needed or wanted by the parties who are interested in each other. Your standard C.B. tends to pop in that mediocre movie at the most innopportune time, or is famous for strikin' up the oven and making some T.G.I.Friday Spicy Jalapeno Poppers or Loaded Potato Skins just when you think they are about to come to their senses and leave the lovebirds alone by actually physically leaving the house or apartment. Someday perhaps, a lightbulb will start to illuminate and you will finally capture those glaringly obvious hints that are directed at nobody but yourself. Here's to you Mr. or Miss Cock Block Friend. Today, we salute you!
b.) Mr. or Miss Very Liberal Friend Requester:
Mr. or Miss Liberal Friend Requester, you show no restraint when it comes to who or when you choose to send a friend request to. Never talked to this person in your life, no problem! Consider yourself requested! Mr. or Miss Liberal Friend Requester, you consistently show no shame or have any qualms about firing out a friend request to that hottie smokeshow or good-looking bro in your ACC 222 class. You find yourself coming across an unknown hottie in someone's photo album, you find yourself liking what you see, consider this a request to be my friend! Boom. Requested. But, watch out! Once you finally see this person out or around campus, and you make solid eye-contact for the very first time in real life and not on your MacBook Pro computer screen, be prepared to be cordial, rise to the challenge, and actually exchange some words with your new "friend!" Perhaps set up a lunch date, or maybe just take it slow with your new best "friend" and arrange a time when you guys can Facebook chat! Here's to you Mr. or Miss Very Liberal Friend Requester! Today, we salute you!
Mr. or Miss Fake Texter, time and time again you find yourself walking alone through campus or into a bar, and your face remains constantly glued to that illuminated Blackberry screen or crazy flip phone screen like it is providing you with life support. You want so badly to make the judgemental eyes around you think that you are in touch with your many friends. You want to make them think that you are simply far too busy gettin' blown up left, right, and center with calls, voicemails, BBMs, texts, sexts, pic-flix messages, facebook notifications, and twitter updates that you have yet had even one split second to lift your eyes off of your phone and actually acknowledge the people around you. Truth be told, however, you are aimlessly scrolling through your rather limited contact list and possibly just scoping through your recent calls and texts from your mom, dad, and the random kid in class who called you only to figure out homework answers and to get the notes that he missed from class. We will give you the benefit of the doubt, though. We will think everything and more that you want us to think. We know Mr. and Miss Fake Texter, you are busy receiving texts and calls from your endless amount of friends who all want a piece of you at the same time, all the time. The trouble is, however, there is never enough of you to go around. We get it. Here's to you Mr. or Miss Fake Texter While Walking Alone or While Entering Public Places! Today, we salute you!
Today is your day Mr. or Miss Overly Participative Kid in Class That Everybody Hates but You Still Have No Idea. You are notorious for reminding teachers that the homework was due today, and of course asking whether or not they are going to collect it. You consistently, unintentionally, and unknowingly screw all of the kids in class that forgot about the homework and do not have it ready to turn in. Just when everybody thinks they are going to live to see another day, and escape from class unscathed without penalty because the teacher forgot about the homework that was due, you are there for everybody to royally crap on their faces. Just when everybody (teacher included) thinks they are going to get out of class early, and on with the rest of their day, you are always there for us to pose that time-consuming, confusing, and three-fold question that nobody (teacher included) neither wants to hear, nor wants to answer by any stretch of the imagination. If it were not for you, all exams would consist of only one form, they would always be multiple-choice, and crap such as essays, fill-ins, and short answer questions would not exist. You, however, are there for us to ensure three different forms, make certain that every question is written-out, and most importantly make sure that there is no partial credit granted. You always make sure that graphing calculators are strictly prohibited, and you always set the tone for the whole class that exam seating must be "every other seat" when you religiously show up 20 minutes early for any last minute exam prep or mental tweaks. We thank you people, from the bottom of our hearts. Here's to you Mr. or Miss Overly Participative Kid in Class That Everybody Hates but You still Have No Idea! Today, we salute you!
e.) Mr. or Miss Terrible Story Teller:
*Note: While I have attempted to make fun of these Real Men and Women of Genius, I certainly mean what I wrote, but as I have said before: Who is anybody to try to make fun of you? Many of these things are without question very funny to me, but there are a million and one things that people can make fun of me for. So fear not Real Men and Women of Genius, you are not alone!
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:"Well I know what's right, I got just one life.
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around, I'll stand my ground.
And I won't back down."
- Tom Petty
CLOSING THOUGHTS:
Just straight-up good times on the reg! Make tomorrow a great day everybody, love ya to the moon and back!
Shake, Shake Sha Sha Shake It,
Meatson, out.
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