Riding Solo

Real Men and Women of Genius:

There comes a time and place where certain people deserve a salute. There comes a time and place where we must make a toast to and honor those certain essential characters that exist within our midst. You have presented before you some of the Real Men and Women of Genius that keep our society up and running on the regular. Today, we salute you Mr. or Miss...

a.) Mr. or Miss Semi-Retarded Cock Block Friend:

Mr. or Miss C.B. Friend, you know not what you do. We all love you, and you always have the best of intentions, but when it comes down to those crucial moments in social situations, you completely and utterly lack the understanding and awareness skills that allow you to realize the critical moment of when your physical presence is no longer needed or wanted by the parties who are interested in each other. Your standard C.B. tends to pop in that mediocre movie at the most innopportune time, or is famous for strikin' up the oven and making some T.G.I.Friday Spicy Jalapeno Poppers or Loaded Potato Skins just when you think they are about to come to their senses and leave the lovebirds alone by actually physically leaving the house or apartment. Someday perhaps, a lightbulb will start to illuminate and you will finally capture those glaringly obvious hints that are directed at nobody but yourself. Here's to you Mr. or Miss Cock Block Friend. Today, we salute you!

b.) Mr. or Miss Very Liberal Friend Requester:

Mr. or Miss Liberal Friend Requester, you show no restraint when it comes to who or when you choose to send a friend request to. Never talked to this person in your life, no problem! Consider yourself requested! Mr. or Miss Liberal Friend Requester, you consistently show no shame or have any qualms about firing out a friend request to that hottie smokeshow or good-looking bro in your ACC 222 class. You find yourself coming across an unknown hottie in someone's photo album, you find yourself liking what you see, consider this a request to be my friend! Boom. Requested. But, watch out! Once you finally see this person out or around campus, and you make solid eye-contact for the very first time in real life and not on your MacBook Pro computer screen, be prepared to be cordial, rise to the challenge, and actually exchange some words with your new "friend!" Perhaps set up a lunch date, or maybe just take it slow with your new best "friend" and arrange a time when you guys can Facebook chat! Here's to you Mr. or Miss Very Liberal Friend Requester! Today, we salute you!

c.) Mr. or Miss Fake Texter While Walking Alone or While Entering Public Places:

Mr. or Miss Fake Texter, time and time again you find yourself walking alone through campus or into a bar, and your face remains constantly glued to that illuminated Blackberry screen or crazy flip phone screen like it is providing you with life support. You want so badly to make the judgemental eyes around you think that you are in touch with your many friends. You want to make them think that you are simply far too busy gettin' blown up left, right, and center with calls, voicemails, BBMs, texts, sexts, pic-flix messages, facebook notifications, and twitter updates that you have yet had even one split second to lift your eyes off of your phone and actually acknowledge the people around you. Truth be told, however, you are aimlessly scrolling through your rather limited contact list and possibly just scoping through your recent calls and texts from your mom, dad, and the random kid in class who called you only to figure out homework answers and to get the notes that he missed from class. We will give you the benefit of the doubt, though. We will think everything and more that you want us to think. We know Mr. and Miss Fake Texter, you are busy receiving texts and calls from your endless amount of friends who all want a piece of you at the same time, all the time. The trouble is, however, there is never enough of you to go around. We get it. Here's to you Mr. or Miss Fake Texter While Walking Alone or While Entering Public Places! Today, we salute you!

d.) Mr. or Miss Overly Participative Kid in Class That Everybody Hates but You Still Have No Idea:

Today is your day Mr. or Miss Overly Participative Kid in Class That Everybody Hates but You Still Have No Idea. You are notorious for reminding teachers that the homework was due today, and of course asking whether or not they are going to collect it. You consistently, unintentionally, and unknowingly screw all of the kids in class that forgot about the homework and do not have it ready to turn in. Just when everybody thinks they are going to live to see another day, and escape from class unscathed without penalty because the teacher forgot about the homework that was due, you are there for everybody to royally crap on their faces. Just when everybody (teacher included) thinks they are going to get out of class early, and on with the rest of their day, you are always there for us to pose that time-consuming, confusing, and three-fold question that nobody (teacher included) neither wants to hear, nor wants to answer by any stretch of the imagination. If it were not for you, all exams would consist of only one form, they would always be multiple-choice, and crap such as essays, fill-ins, and short answer questions would not exist. You, however, are there for us to ensure three different forms, make certain that every question is written-out, and most importantly make sure that there is no partial credit granted. You always make sure that graphing calculators are strictly prohibited, and you always set the tone for the whole class that exam seating must be "every other seat"  when you religiously show up 20 minutes early for any last minute exam prep or mental tweaks. We thank you people, from the bottom of our hearts. Here's to you Mr. or Miss Overly Participative Kid in Class That Everybody Hates but You still Have No Idea! Today, we salute you!

e.) Mr. or Miss Terrible Story Teller:

Finally, to wrap up this edition of Real Men and Women of Genius, I would like to salute Mr. and Miss Terrible Story Teller. Once you have finally gathered a whole group's attention after many failed attempts to do so, you now have everyone's undivided attention. You take a look at the group's many sets of eyes, which are now in full of anticipation of a classic story that has guaranteed laughs written all over it. Mr. or Miss Terrible Story Teller, you becomes nervous, but quickly regroup and begin your "epic" story. About two minutes into the story, you realize it really is not an epic story at all, or even a story for that matter. Your listeners begin to feel uncomfortable and recognize that it is now officially an awkward moment for everyone involved. And so, Mr. and Miss Terrible Story Teller, you generally end your now epic story fail with a resounding, "Dude, whatever. F*** you! You had to be there, alright!" Whereby, everyone now laughs not with you, but definitely at you, and remembers to never trust your story-telling abilities ever again. Here's to you Mr. or Miss Terrible Story Teller! Today, we salute you!

*Note: While I have attempted to make fun of these Real Men and Women of Genius, I certainly mean what I wrote, but as I have said before: Who is anybody to try to make fun of you? Many of these things are without question very funny to me, but there are a million and one things that people can make fun of me for. So fear not Real Men and Women of Genius, you are not alone!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

"Well I know what's right, I got just one life.
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around, I'll stand my ground.
And I won't back down."

- Tom Petty

CLOSING THOUGHTS:

Just straight-up good times on the reg! Make tomorrow a great day everybody, love ya to the moon and back!


Shake, Shake Sha Sha Shake It,

Meatson, out.

Babylon

Championship Performers:

My mind has been on the move. I have been carefully deliberating many things as I go about my last remaining weeks here in beautiful Oxford, Ohio where there is a confirmed surplus of beautiful women flocking like the Salmon of Capistrano. Let me introduce you to my newest train of thought. And by 'Train,' I do not mean the Polar Express. Sorry, dumb joke. It was there for the taking, had to do it. Retrain focus, please. Now initiating serious mode. Serious mode: initiated. Show some respect: Isn't the power of friendship such an overwhelmingly beautiful thing? There is no price tag in the world that can take the place of a lifelong friendship. Well, at least I certainly believe so. People have been known to say that friends often enter into our lives, and more often than not, people also say that those same friends eventually exit our lives as Father Time continually crawls onward without even the slightest of hesitation, or without any serious attempts to look back for even a split second. As for me personally, I would have to argue to the contrary. I feel as though it is more accurate to say that these friends never actually exit our lives at any point in our existence, but rather continually enter into our lives at the most opportune times, whether it be physically present or in spirit.

I am of the thought that each and every single person in this world is no better than the next person. It is unquestionably true that there are certain people that you meet in your life that may only last a short, fleeting moment due to a drastic change of circumstance, especially at this point in our lives where people are headed north, south, east, and west, and every which way in between. These people who you barely know could very well determine, and are all too often very instrumental in shaping how you live your life and how you think about the world around you. It is a fact of life that people may eventually, at some point in time, grow apart from each other. There could be an infinite amount of reasons as to why two people might slowly grow apart. The process of getting into all of the potential reasons as to why this might be so is reserved for a very rainy day and many moons from now.

Although we do not see each other very much but maybe twice a year, I still consider Pat McKillen a pretty good friend of mine. Pat is a dirty (not literally dirty, his material is so fresh) solo artist (also shreds with his band) that struts his mad guitar game on the regular. His voice is not out of this world by any means, but it is so unbelievably real and genuine that it gets the best of me and any other listeners everytime we hear him hit a note. Keep on keepin' on Mr. McKillen. Let go your heart. Let go your head. Feel it now. Keep it up McKillen, your shit is certainly not weak. You are a very special person without question.

To prove to everyone that I am not blowin' smoke up his own butthole, I will provide everyone with some McKillen samples:

*Sick Acoustic Cover of Ke$ha - Tik Tok:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyfOldDua5s&feature=related


*One of My Favorite Songs: David Gray - Babylon. Covered Beautifully:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrL3n_rT9k4


QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

"You're the only one who ever took me seriously, Pete."

- Rudy


CLOSING THOUGHTS:

Appreciate what you have, while you still have it. I wanna give a special shout out to my dudes John and Rob. I have grown up with you guys since we were little guys running around Bay and Westlake without any idea of what the future held in store for us. Although each of us has definitely lost touch at certain times throughout our journey through life thus far, I will forever remember you guys wherever life takes each of us next. I wish each of you much luck as you enter your next phase of life, whatever that may be. I learned a lot from both of you guys, as I do all my friends, and I am not ashamed to say it in the least. The memories that I have with you guys will always remain a part of me, and there is no one that can take that away from me. Notre Dame Football became my Saturday team to watch solely because of you guys. Amazing how life turns out, and where it eventually leads us to next. Whether you want to believe it or not,  you provided a lot of younger people, along with myself in certain ways, with a certain sense of inspiration. Whatever it is that you choose to do next in life, I wish you all the best. Remember to always maintain a positive outlook and a healthy perspective about the world around you. You guys are great people, albeit in many respects retarded much like myself. Keep on truckin' fellas. Much love.


Tik Tok on the Clock,

Meatson, out.

Right Me Up

Wankstas:

Hello creatures. How goes it? Hope your weekend was full of food, drink, and lofty spirits. Remember though, safety first. Click it or ticket: What's holding YOU back? Always keep in mind that parents who host, lose the most. Do your part to prevent forest fires. Look both ways before crossing a street. Always have a fire escape plan. Properly implement a tornado drill. By the way, one of the most underrated things ever was and always will be letting out an explosive gas during a gradeschool tornado drill. The faculty and staff are essentially encouraging students to pass gas as they make everyone get down into a submissive position and hover their backsides into the air, thus setting up the perfect storm for gas to be aggressively launched all over a significantly overcrowded room. There is only one winner during a fire drill: the class clown rebel kid who both recognizes and uses the golden opportunity to his advantage and actually rips some seriously pungent gas into the atmosphere. Everybody else who is subject to the rebel's putrid gas definitely loses big time. They are literally forced to accept and embrace the gas because if you get up and cause a scene, you get into trouble. The Gasees, if you will, get a seriously raw deal in this situation. The Gasser, however, lies victorious on the field of battle. The Gasser, if targeted, will probably be slapped with a demerit, but it was worth it. Sorry for gassing?

There are many a things that go way underappreciated. The lack of street cred that these items receive makes me sick. As is customary, I have compiled a list of things that I believe fly way too far under the radar in our society. Listen up:

a. Rally's French Fries
b. Mr. Hero Roman Burgers
c. Early morning Tee Times
d. Early risers / Morning people
e. Being genuinely nice
f. Disney's 'The Rescuers Down Under'
g. Bass Fishing Video Games                                           
h. Instrumental versions of Songs
i. Mr. Pibb
j. Des'ree - You Gotta Be
k. Kix Cereal
l. Bumpin' seriously Fresh Music during a Shower
m. The History Channel
n. Girls with Dude Names
o. Sex Panther Cologne
p. Luffa Sponges
q. Forts with a Television in them
r. Successfully using Combined Words such as 'Nevertheless' in the course of a normal conversation
s. Tragically Awkward Moments
t. Foot Baths
u. Jazz Music
v. Men's Hair Sculpting Wax
w. Using Antiquated Terms such as 'Supper' or 'Rapscallion' or 'Fortnight'
x. Receiving a bomb ass Fruit Basket full of quality goodies
y. Good 'n Plentys
z. Personal Pan Pizza Pies

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

- The Fray


CLOSING THOUGHTS:

Always remember to count your blessings. And on a final note, how beautiful is crystal clear blue water? Brad Mattson 'Likes' this! Happy Valentine's Day to babes everywhere!


You're Listening to 'All Things Considered' on NPR,

Meatson, out.

Buy U a Drank

My Pack of Wolves:

Just face it, man. You're just an egghead. You spent your entire summer constructing your badass K'nex Roller Coaster and various badass Lego pirate ships. You spent long arduous hours on Napster pirating songs in hopes that you produce the hottest mix-tape that the Summer of 1999 has ever seen. The intended recipient of this dope mix-tape would be the hottie that resembles Wendy Peffercorn in your Social Studies class. She also happens to be the hottie that you have no chance with, and the hottie that is currently dating the 8th grade stud whose had a six-pack since the first grade. The pinnacle of your day proves to be at lunch time where you have successfully reached the 40 second stage of your black cherry Mega Atomic Warhead: Xtreme Sour. Except, nobody witnessed you conquer the crucial final stage of your Mega Warhead battle because your teacher totally merked your style and your personal assigned seat happens to be in the far back corner where all the nerds congregate at the nerdery, which is of course way too far away from all of the latest lunch time action. This nerd corner is usually stationed right next to some kind of creepy crawler animal like a turtle or a frog housed in a grimy aquarium. The nerds are also subject to being stationed near a jungle of plants that are all but dead, except the teacher still insists that they need to be watered at each day's end. Nerds are always subject to dead plant watering duty. More about the classroom animals, I always felt bad for those little classroom creatures. They literally have like two options of what to do with their day. They can choose to either: 1.) Sit on the one, rather uncomfortable rock that is generously provided to them near a broken, obnoxiously loud filter; or 2.) Creep around and doggy paddle within about a two cubic feet area in the grimy dump water that hasn't been changed in months. All the meanwhile, these little animals are staring out through the aquarium glass wanting to be free like Nemo. These are the two options they are faced with every single day of their lives, generally lasting until their death. Shit, man. There's just something wrong about that. I feel for you little buggers. Stay strong.

I have come to respect nerds. This is probably because I exhibit so many nerd-like traits that I am without question a nerd. Except, I was wondering what it is that truly makes someone an official nerd? I understand the whole pocket protector, suspenders, thick glasses type of nerd. But, I have compiled a list of various nerds that have surfaced in popular American culture and have become a special part of my life. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a quick list of some of the greatest nerds the world has ever laid its eyes on. These nerds will stand the test of time. Hats off. Shoes off. Stand up straight. Pay your respects:

*Classics:

Fuller (Home Alone)
McLovin' (Superbad)
Ferguson (Clarissa Explains It All)
Minkus (Boy Meets World)
Steve Urkel (Family Matters)
Samuel 'Screech' Powers (Saved by the Bell)                             
Carlton Banks (Fresh Prince)
Lewis Skulnick (Revenge of the Nerds; also starred as Sam McGuire in Lizzie McGuire)
The Sherminator (American Pie; also starred as Cadet Wiluger in Major Payne)
Andy Bernard (The Office)
Kyle Edwards (Road Trip)
Newt (The Big Green)
Kent Dorfman (Animal House)
Andy Stitzer (The 40 Year Old Virgin)
Danny Tanner (Full House)


*Most Valuable Nerd (M.V.N.): Rick Moranis


Notable Moranis Roles:

Coach Danny O'Shea (Little Giants)
Louis Tully (Ghostbusters)
Wayne Szalinski (Honey I Shrunk the Kids)

*Dark Horse:

Donkey Lips (Salute Your Shorts)


I suggest a standing ovation. These guys bring tears to my eyes. So what exactly is it that defines someone as an official nerd? I couldn't answer that. All of these dudes are more than good in my book. It's all about having passion for whatever it is that you like to do. I don't care if you like to crush calculus problems all day, that's good with me if it's what you like to do. Chances are I won't be hanging out with a calculus junkie anytime soon, but I guess you never really know. Do what you love to do. Don't hesitate to do something because others may hate on it. People who actually have a problem with what you have a passion for can go pound salt.


QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

"Because maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me.
And after all, you're my wonderwall."

-Oasis


CLOSING THOUGHTS:

Dark horse party saver: Britney Spears - Lucky. Must have for any iPod.


Remix to Ignition,

Meatson, out.

Halo

Creepy Crawlers:

Sup wit it. What it do baby. How was your weekend? Mine was dope. Tons of funnies were made, and a lot of creep creep creepin' was done. This weekend featured some serious hooligans. The All-Star cast included the likes of the following:

                                                                                                         *All-State:

- Anna 'I'm Literally An Angel' Porto - (In Spirit)

*All-District:

- Alex 'I'm Bossay' Mallozzi
- Annie 'You'se Ma Bitch' Hinkel
- Tommy 'Quit Yappin' I'm Tryin' Ta Game' Armagno
- Rob 'Picture Me Gassin' ' Armagno
- Ali 'Knuck If Ya Buck' Heinonen

*Honorable Mention:

- Foxy Brown

*Hit the Showers Kid, You're Done:

- High Flyin' John Ryan


*Gilmore? I Called Your Name Didn't I?:

- Bobby 'Bar Hopper' McConville



Thoughts, Questions, Concerns: Good work fellas. Teamwork on three: 1, 2, 3...Teamwork.






You are now entering my zone of random thoughts that creep around and circulate in my head all day:

1.) What happened to DZ Discovery Zone?
2.) How dope are scarves? (Bradley Mattson "Likes" this!)
3.) The Grammy's and award shows are getting so emo it hurts.
4.) Suck me sideways and call me Sally, what in the name of creep was Lady Gaga wearing at the Grammy's?
5.) David Archuleta is a G.
6.) Baby I can see your Halo, you know you're my saving grace.
7.) I wish I was jacked up and had a mean six-pack.
8.) I seriously need to initiate Spring-Break mode and hit the weights and unhit Skipper's criss-cut fries and fatty Dub-Bacon Burgs.
9.) If I were a boy?
10.) Sharkbait Hoo Ha-Ha.
11.) My double, sometimes triple chin has got to go. Spring Break babes do not generally show any type of respect towards the Dubski Chinski.
12.) I have been getting so hooked up with Tags and red Notifications lately, so legit.
13.) Taylor Swift is also a G.
14.) Maaaa, the meatloaf! I never know what she's doing in there.
15.) If you tell a girl "I spy with my little eye a serious hottie," they may or may not get creeped out. And by 'may or may not' I mean it's guaranteed.
16.) Weezy F. Baby.
17.) Hot sauce in ma bag.
18.) That butt will just not quit, it refuses to give up.
19.) Cold draft beers.
20.) Wassup nukka mayne.

This is all circumventing within like a three minute time span. I think you get the idea. Boom. Roasted.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."

- Cobain, Kurt.


CLOSING REMARKS:

No ceilings motha sucka. Be easy.


Get Ya Shine On,

Meatson, out.